Help! How do I accept Bipolar?

When I talk to others with Bipolar and family whose loved one is diagnosed with Bipolar, there is one main question that resonates among them, “How did you accept Bipolar?”

I understand why accepting a mental illness can be a challenge. Some accept it very quickly and move on; others take years and then become an inspiration for others like Kay Jamison. And sadly there are others who live in denial for decades while mania and depression episodes become more severe and silently devour everything and everyone they love.

I think the biggest block towards Bipolar acceptance and recovery is sheer ignorance. If we don’t know about Bipolar, if we don’t know what it is doing to our minds, spirits and lives, we cannot accept it. Once we acknowledge its existence and accept that we have Bipolar (provided we’re given an accurate diagnosis from trusted mental health professionals), 70% of our work is done. And if you have a loved one that refuses to accept their diagnosis, it’s tough. My family knows. It takes a lot of patience and learning.

So how did I finally accept Bipolar?

When my medical record got the Bipolar news 5 years ago, there was one particular person in my life who had the biggest misconceptions about this illness and mental diseases in general. And due to the stigma and lack of knowledge she had about Bipolar, she went through a challenging time when it came to accepting reality. She thought that people with mental illnesses were stupid, manipulative, fabulous liars, need to snap out of it and get their faith checked because they’re just not holding onto Allah strong enough.

Who was that person? My aunt? No. My neighbors? Nein. Although some of them do act differently now. I guess they have more misconceptions about mental illness than the hijab I wear. How interesting.

The person who had gross misconceptions about Bipolar is or was the face I saw in the clear lakes I went to on toasty June mornings. And because I had misunderstandings about Bipolar and the hidden treasures it could offer me, I was the first one to banish it from my world. For over two years, after my diagnosis, I didn’t know the term Bipolar existed. Yes I know. It’s quite silly. I have an illness and I don’t even know it’s name.

Lame and enlightened excuses aside, I didn’t accept my diagnosis because I was ignorant about this disorder. Not only that, I didn’t feel any positive motivation towards accepting Bipolar. Nor did I feel any pain from Bipolar that impelled me to find a route to recovery for myself and others.

But when I got sick the second time and experienced another major mania episode, the pain was raw and overwhelming. And I’m thrilled that I felt it just that way because it brought me to the threshold of pain. There, the “door” opened and I remember the day vividly when I let out a sharp scream. The scream came from the pain of confusion. I was ignorant of what was happening to me and why I was stuck in this world, i.e. mania. It felt frightening when my limbs performed movements and my mouth uttered words that I wasn’t commanding and felt ignorant of. Thus, the pain of confusion and ignorance led me to discover Bipolar and learn exactly what was going on.

I am truly blessed that Allah guided me with the knowledge to accept Bipolar. He brought the right events with the right people at the right time. They all came together like a fabulous bouquet of flowers and it was handed to me as a gift, the gift of Bipolar. And I had to take a conscious step to take that bouquet. So when someone else is struggling with their diagnosis, they have to reach out, they have to take the first step, accept what they are challenged and even blessed with. And like all flowers, they have their fragrant scent and the thorns. And what matters more is how we view “the thorn”, the pain. Will we look at the scent and accept Bipolar voluntary with pleasure? Or are we waiting to be pricked by the thorn and accept Bipolar because of the painful bleeding?

Interestingly, Anas may Allah have mercy on him used the pain/pleasure concept to motivate himself as well. During the battle of Uhud, rumors spread that the Prophet peace be upon him was killed. Muslims panicked. Then Anas ibn Nadr may Allah have mercy on him, stood up and said, “fight for what RasulAllah died for!” Was he oblivious to the pain towards the supposed death of the Prophet peace be upon him? No. He was simply intelligent about it and used his pain to motivate him and fight as if he could smell Jannah. And indeed, he smelled Jannah as he became a martyr. Thus, he used both pain and pleasure to rise to the challenge. No wonder he attained Jannah!

So our job, especially in the beginning is not to get others to understand Bipolar or erase the stigma about mental illness in the media. No. It is their job to their own learning and understanding.

Our job is to accept our trusted and accurate diagnoses. It is our job to find the right books on Bipolar (Julie Fast has awesome ones) that helps us understand exactly what is going on in our mind when we hear voices or utter profanity that would make our toes fall off. Lets become our own teacher and not wait for doctors, friends or even dearest mother to help us accept Bipolar. We need to learn about it ourselves and empower ourselves with the right knowledge and tools for recovery.

Some people, when it snows, they get sad and their faces becomes twisted.

And there are others, who bundle up, grab their sleighs and go sledding. See you on the sparkling winter hills!

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